This is about poop. You have been warned

No quarter yet. Elijah says I need to buy him some prunes so that he can poop out the quarter. Today after he ate a big lunch, he says to me: "All that food should have moved that quarter down." The kid is a riot.

I have decided to leave the quarter search up to my hubby. I donned the blue surgical gloves. I sorted through one of Elijahs BMs.


Not

Going

To

Do

That

Again.


I almost puked. Really, it's one thing to wipe a poopy butt, it's another to actually squish poop in your fingers. See? Gross right? Bleh!


I am really not up to the task of poop sorting. Seriously, don't they have some kind of poop sorting machine I could have borrowed from the hospital?

Anyone want a job? I know things are bad in the job market so if you know of anyone......

Okay, bad joke...whatever! It's not like I am a certain comedian wishing people dead. Boo-Yeah!

Hey! Look what I got today!

Who says Mother's Day ends on Sunday?

Seriously, (I say that a lot don't I? Seriously) all of this fruit will surely bring about a 'movement'.

Leave comments. I like that. :)

Any old day?

Mother's Day.

Another day?

Any old day?

Normal Mother's Day? What is that? A normal mother's day. I wonder as I glance down at my green heels. Mowing the grass while wearing flip flops is not recommened unless you want to resemble a leprachaun. Our mower is a beast! As I pushed the mower over the thick tall grass the mowing monster kept stalling. No one told me (until I spoke to hubby on the phone tonight) that one must set the mower wheels to high when first cutting tall grass/weeds. The neighbors have never seen that side of me and with my green feet they may have thought the Hulk had moved in next door.

Normal Mother's day?

Again, I ponder. Is it a dinner with the family, a vase of flowers, a spa package or a few quiet moments which only last until someone stumbles in with their pants at their ankles freaking out because they cannot pull up their pants due to their sweaty legs. It's been hot.

What is the point? Gift me everyday for the job of being a mom. Then I might not cry at odd times (all moms do that right?) when the shit hits the fan and I cannot take anymore of this madhouse. Then I might smile more often and not curse and kick at the lawn mower. Then again, I might cry anyway.

Give me a book and a quiet place so that my brain can recircuit and maybe then I won't forget to inform the lector scheduler at church that my husband won't be there to lector (he's out to sea) so that the priest won't have to leave the alter and retrieve the Holy book himself. Yep! *raising hand* that was me today at mass. A gaggle of restless kids and a moment frozen in time when I see the priest leave the alter and grab the book. As I bent down and picked up the bulletin I knew that my husbands name would be typed next to todays date. I wanted to shrink. I knew 'they' knew my screw up.

Normal Mother's Day?

After mowing the grass I managed to shower before Samantha woke from her nap. A few moments later Elijah comes to me in a complete and utter panic saying that he has a dime stuck in his throat. I stick my finger in and I almost get the coin, but only make matters worse when the 'dime' which was really a quarter went down his throat. He gagged, he made choking sounds, he puked. I called 911.

The EMTS arrive and by thenElijah has calmed down and is sitting on the floor with a puke bucket, still heaving up purplely yuck. Mom on the other hand is still shaking from the realization that she can't DO everything and her child could have choked. EMTs assess the situation and determine that Elijah is going to be fine, but needs an x-ray. When I cannot reach anyone to take the other kids while I go to the ER the EMTs decide to drive 5 year old Elijah over in the ambulance and I would follow. Of course I have to wake the baby, change her and get her ready before I can leave. With all of the kids. Elijah is okay, just has a quarter in his stomach and now mommy has to sift through feces for the next week until the poopy coin comes out. This is the same child who swallowd a dime last year. He might be saving for the future.

Normal Mother's Day? Yes. Indeed it is a normal mother's day.

A sweet homemade pipe cleaner flower in a handpainted paper vase, a folded in half piece of construction paper with drawings of me and the kids and scribble scratches like 'my mommy likes to eat popsicles' and 'I love you mommy' written on it and handed to me with a hug and a kiss.

How could I not stop off at Starbucks on the way home from church and get a Frap for me and marshmellow treats for the kids despite their misbehavior in church?


How can I have moments of doubt and despair over my job of raising kids when they are so pure, their little hearts bigger than the world?




How could I have breathed for so long without them?



Eh, I know. So very touching right?

These kids are getting to me.

The Aquafresh is spiked

I have come to believe that there must be something in the kids' toothpaste. It's spiked with some kind of mental inhibitor. It makes them act completely crazy and unlike anything I have seen prior to becoming a parent. I would say that there are suspicious substances in the water too because- geez! It seems everytime I turn around I am pregnant, but this is not about me being pregnant so many times, because I am NOT pregnant, merely stating a fact.

I am convinced that there IS something in the kids' toothpaste. It has to be the paste, because people just don't do the things my children do. It could be the genes and in that case I will blame my high-flying-Superman-jumping-from-dressers husband. HE started all of this. I am sure it doesn't help that he wrestle fights the boys, plays soccer in the house with them and plays 'steal the Best Friend' with them, which usually turns into a screaming match with Gabe at the forefront. After all it is his Best Friend that is being passed around like it's the last piece of chocolate cake at a kids birthday party.

I don't mind this madness when my husband is leading it as the boys do love it and someone has to do it. If I attempt a fraction of what hubby does with the boys I usually end up with a black bruise SOMEWHERE on my body or just simply wake the next morning with a killer back ache. I will stick to crafts, play dough and playing board games thank you.

The reason for this rant. Yes, there is a main point.

Yesterday was a doozy. It was discovered that two of my sons decided to pee in one of their toy bins. NOT just one boy, but two boys. Imagine how much pee that generates. Those kids can stand at the toilet for a full 30 seconds peeing. Thirty seconds is a long time when you consider the amount that would generate. Ewww!

It was, at the very least one of the nastiest things I have encountered since becoming a parent 7 years ago. I carried the bin into the tub wondering how I was to handle this. I could just carry the bin right outside to the trash can or make the boys clean each and every urine soaked toy. I let it rest for a moment or two so that I could collect myself. I dropped a few F-bombs in my head, along with a couple 'I can't F-ing believe its'. I think one F-bomb may have leaked out of my mouth. It was warranted. They peed in a toy bin!!!!!!!!!

It was also discovered that the 'deed' was done on Wednesday night while watching the movie 'Babe' in their room, which is a rarity. They don't often get to watch a movie in their room, but I was feeling a bit generous that day and decided to lift the ban for just one day. See what happens when I let my guard down for a moment? Piss happens.

After soaking in a urine bath for a few days the smell...oh boy! Well.... if you have ever walked up a public parking ramp stairway where bums and drunkards go to 'relieve' themselves then you know the stench I refer to. It was atrocious. I would say that it took me back to my twenty-something party days, but it didn't. It just verified that I live with a bunch of lunatics. I love my lunatics but they do make for a stressful life.

The two pissers were sent to their rooms for a while. They couldn't give me a good explanation for why they did what they did. I would accept the reason was that they just didn't want to miss a moment of the movie. I may never know why. Really, is there a good reason to pee in a box of toys?

The urine toys were soaked in very hot soapy water then transferred to a bleach bath where they are now.


I cannot make this stuff up.